Topic: I need help.

[Dj Dean]

Hello, all.  I used to be very much into parkour about a year ago, but I quit training due to depression. I'm trying to keep this from becoming a "poor me" post, but I don't have anyone to talk to. I've struggled with depression for about 5 years now, and now it's manifested itself into paranoid schizophrenia. Luckily, I've caught it in the early stages, and I might be able to stop it from progressing and possibly get rid of it altogether. Why am I on here posting this, you ask? Because, I'm terrified, and this is the only community I've ever really trusted. I want to stop this in it's tracks, because I can't feel music anymore. I used to play guitar, drums, and piano for 6 hours a day after I quit parkour, to express myself. But I have nothing to express anymore. I don't want to live without music. I guess I'm just looking for support, and I want to see if anyone else has gone through this. I want to get out and start training again, but I have no emotion, nothing that really motivates me. Not being able to express or understand music is a new symptom, and one I REFUSE to let get the better out of me. If any of my old training buddies are reading this, I'm not crazy. I won't hurt you. I just want to get out and train, and feel free again.

[Donald Morrow]

Hey man, first off, I'm sorry to hear things have taken a turn for the worse. I can only imagine what your feeling right now. Everybody here is with you, through thick and thin, and I hope you remember that.

I think the one thing you need to look at is why you first started parkour in the first place? What were your reasons? Perhaps take those reasons and use them as motivations. Or, another way to approach it is to think of how good you felt while doing parkour. The freedom you feel, how you stumbled upon that vault you couldn't master, but put your head down and worked through it. If there is one thing everybody learns from parkour, it's that all obstacles can be conquered in one way or another. The solution may be easy, or it may be complex, but you can do it.

I hope I have helped, even if it is just a spark in your heart. I hope that everything turns out for the best for you man.

[Dj Dean]

You most definitely have helped. That is why I came here. Parkour made me feel from the shackles of my mind, but eventually I gave in to lethargy and isolation. I realize now that stopping parkour may very well have been a catalyst for what is happening right now. I want to go out so bad, but after months of all this, I have no energy. Every thought is consumed by this, and it's a vicious cycle. I have nothing to take time away from it. Tv doesn't interest me, and now the only thing I have, music, is gone. I refuse to lose it. I just don't know how to go about it.

[Donald Morrow]

I would suggest doing something so basic, so simple, it would be almost like hitting a reset button. Go out, walk down the side walk, and walk along the curb on your way to school/work/class/corner store/etc. Return yourself to step one, feel the success of getting your balance back. Then move to a few simple vaults and rolls, and let the the feeling of progress and success energize you again. Turn that which has crippled you (the quitting of parkour, as you have stated) into the fuel that powers you.

[Dj Dean]

I plan on doing that tomorrow, Donald. I'll probably just walk around and do whatever I feel like doing, which will probably be some balance work and hopefully strides. Thank you for your help.

[David Glass]

I would suggest doing something so basic, so simple, it would be almost like hitting a reset button. Go out, walk down the side walk, and walk along the curb on your way to school/work/class/corner store/etc. Return yourself to step one, feel the success of getting your balance back. Then move to a few simple vaults and rolls, and let the the feeling of progress and success energize you again. Turn that which has crippled you (the quitting of parkour, as you have stated) into the fuel that powers you.

+1 for that. You truly understand the human spirit.

DJ, as an ex musician myself, I know how hard it is to focus on playing while other, more haunting, thoughts are crossing your mind. Donald hit the nail on the head. Go out for a walk. Do simple things like feel the breeze and listen to your spirit. When you do get back to practicing, just do a few arpeggios, do some simple vaults, then get back up as soon as you feel you need to get away, and go for a quick walk, or maybe even a jog. Don't plan a route, just go where your mind takes you.

As Donald pointed out, sometimes hitting reset is the best medicine to get you back on your feet!

[Kyle Rudolph]

[David Glass]

Typical response of someone who doesn't get it. Anyone who needs help gets greeted with "Get tough". Nice

[Dj Dean]

Kyle, I am trying. But thank you for your kind words. You are the true epitome of parkour spirit: Empathy, kindness, and good morals. I truly strive to be just like you, and you are most definitely not stupid or ignorant in any way, shape or form.

David- Thank you. Have you ever lost the ability to feel music, and can it be gained back?

[Ryan Sannar]

Dj

I get where your coming from and completely understand the struggle. Maybe not on your own specific level, but with depression and symptoms of paranoia and etc...

First of all: You've got this. I know it may seem like you don't. Like everything closes down around you, but we are here for you and things will turn around.

Second of all: To do that its time to get to work, Micah is a little right in his own way. Its time to stand up. I'm not saying that its not hard, or that you'll be able to just go out and do vaults. I'm saying you need to do anything small you can. What Don suggested; doing something simple; is what I mean.

Third of all: Don't stop. Keep posting here. You've got in inside of you to beat this. So do anything at all to overcome it. come at it from every side. Do not stop fighting

Praying for you (so long as its cool for you).

[David Glass]

David- Thank you. Have you ever lost the ability to feel music, and can it be gained back?

DJ, have you studied music?

The feel for music comes and goes, especially if you stick to the same type of music. It will come if you can relate to what the music is conveying/expressing, and, because you are constantly evolving in life, it will go away once you are transitioning to a new phase.

A good example is, I used to listen to Metallica a lot. Now I listen to it and feel completely alienated.

Often times, I get tired and bored of the same music and stop listening to it for a while. Then I'll pick it up years later and it really hits home.

In the case of your own music, sometimes you can be too distanced from yourself and your own feelings to convey what it is your feeling, and sometimes you simply haven't practiced enough or studied enough to bring out what you have inside.

As with anything, rather than insisting, it's best to step away for some time and come back to it when you feel ready. Everyone goes through this.

[Dj Dean]

Ryan- That is completely cool with me. I do understand I have to get out and do something, otherwise I would just have stayed reclusive and not sought help

David- Yes, I have studied music enough to understand most of it. Just enough to understand but not enough to limit myself. I feel like when I play now, though, I'm forgetting everything (such as songs I have written and such). As for the same music, I do tend to listen to the same genre, but the genre reflects a lot of emotions that aren't really present as intensely elsewhere. Melodic Death Metal for when I'm happy or inspired, Doom Metal for when I'm sad, Black metal for aggression and anger, and Technical Death Metal for when I just want to shred. As much as I hate to say it, perhaps this is yet another turning point for my music. If so, I will really miss metal.

[Alex Patterson]

I use to be a metal head. But just seemed to outgrow it I guess. And most doesn't do it for me anymore. 

What instruments you play?

[Dj Dean]

I use to be a metal head. But just seemed to outgrow it I guess. And most doesn't do it for me anymore. 

What instruments you play?

Guitar, drums, piano and bass

[Alex Patterson]

I use to play bass. Self taught. Not all that good but it was fun. Don't have it anymore though. But this may sound weird. But try taking up the didgeridoo. I've been playing for just over a year now. There is a certain peacefulness to playing. It can really get you centered. 

[Damayonnaise]

Dude Dj man Ive been where you are dude. After I broke my wrist and discovered the curse of muscular atrophy the knowledge that my idiocy had robbed me of the body I trained so hard for drove me deep into depression and anger. I know it's wasnt clinical like yours is but I was genuinely depressed and I always felt like I was robbed somehow and felt like I wasnt at fault even though I was. I was literally pissed off everyday for about a year man. I didnt want to talk to anyone I didnt want to hang out with anyone I just wanted to be left alone and wallow in my self pity. I turned to Metal for consolation because surely if anyone understood my rage the bands I loved so much would. Just like you I listened to the darkest metal I could find, the loudest, heaviest, soul crushingness, most pissed off bands the internet could offer. Hell I even turned to that satanic black metal shit just to see if it would help. I know it wont help much but that shit made things worse. It didnt make the feelings go away it only bolstered them dude. I only got more angry and depressed because their energy became my energy. That shit never works man; dont turn to more depressing things to help but you probably already know that. The biggest thing that helped me the most was my pastor. she didnt preach to me or anything like that, she just let me vent dude. I literally just talked for an hour straight and all she did was listen and it was the greatest thing for me. It was on the phone too and knowing that someone cared enough to listen meant the world to me and made me feel a ton better. you dont need a pastor for that shit dude just find a friend who'll listen. Hell Ill give you my number and you can call me and Ill listen to you dude, real talk. Normally for most people who are just being complainy and whiny I tell them to man the f#ck up, but in your case I can totally relate dude.

I dont know if this helps at all but I thought Id give it the ol college try.

[Dj Dean]

Alex- That looks really interesting, actually. Now if I could find only find one!

Damayonnaise- I'm glad you were able to overcome everything that happened to you, and I hope you're back to your original strength (or better)! I do have someone to talk to, but she hasn't  been through depression or schizophrenia, so the advice is very generic. As for listening to the most extreme music, it never made me feel depressed. Actually, I've always felt more at home in the dark (I know I'm sounding goth here, but I can't help that I never liked happy music) and it actually helped me when I played music that reflected this mood. By expressing it, it was (obviously) externalized. But now, I can't feel any music. After talking with all of you though, I have come to enjoy bits and pieces of music again. It's definitely a step in the right direction. Thank you everyone who cared to talk to me, you have all helped a lot more than you realize.

[Alex Patterson]

They are so simple to make. PVC pipe and some beeswax. I have a eucalyptus one that was made in Australia. Cost me 160 bucks. And I prefer my PVC one.

[David Glass]

Alex- That looks really interesting, actually. Now if I could find only find one!

Damayonnaise- I'm glad you were able to overcome everything that happened to you, and I hope you're back to your original strength (or better)! I do have someone to talk to, but she hasn't  been through depression or schizophrenia, so the advice is very generic. As for listening to the most extreme music, it never made me feel depressed. Actually, I've always felt more at home in the dark (I know I'm sounding goth here, but I can't help that I never liked happy music) and it actually helped me when I played music that reflected this mood. By expressing it, it was (obviously) externalized. But now, I can't feel any music. After talking with all of you though, I have come to enjoy bits and pieces of music again. It's definitely a step in the right direction. Thank you everyone who cared to talk to me, you have all helped a lot more than you realize.

DJ, one of the reasons I asked you if you have studied music as, when I was in college, I was actually studying audio engineering while simultaneously studying music at Ars Nova. I reached a point where I could compose for and direct brass and string sections of an orchestra.

What that did for me, and what your learning has probably done for you is, give you a level of appreciation where you can hear what every musician is doing simultaneously.  If you went out to watch a band (in my case I lived in latin america and there were plenty at the parties I went to), I could close my eyes and identify each instrument and what it was doing... pretty trippy

If you can't relate to a certain type of music at a given time in your life, you can still appreciate the arrangements, the virtuosity and the creativity. I know you're really into metal, but I'm sure you can still appreciate other stuff... here's a nice sample at the extreme opposite of the spectrum, for instance...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ApI-zA6suXE

[Nick Fernandez]

I used to like metal a lot too, back when I used to be somewhat depressed and always angry a couple years ago. It just seemed like a nice break from all the songs that everyone else used to listen to, (which I think is..?) pop and all these songs like "I Got a Feeling" and whatnot; it's just nice to have your own kind of music and I loved the hardcore feeling of it. But in my opinion music always generally is an expression of one's self or attitude, and people relate to it. Nowadays there's even more and more music out there that seems totally opposite of what I used to listen to, generally what some people put in their pk/freerunning videos just for a nice rhythm or flow to add to it.

My favorite bands used to be (which I believe are considered metal..?) Three Days Grace, Disturbed, etc., but now I've learned to have an appreciation for all music and it's not about where it comes from or what other people like, but what you enjoy yourself. It's really widened my view as to what calms me and what pumps me up. My different music now consists of Dubstep (duh ), Pretty Lights, and maybe some metal anyway. You can compare that to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sk9XYQMRiLY